South Africa

In August we we took a trip back to South Africa to sort out some stuff and attend Garth and Kathy's Wedding. This was supposed to be more of a holiday but turned into the most stressful time I have ever had. I will leave out all the crap stuff and just tell you about the fun stuff as the crap is long and windy and is pretty boring. Except for the bit about my Beetle. That was kinda funny.

One of the first things we did was get hold of Ceri's friend Tracy. It was her 21st that month, so we invited ourselves. We went out with Tracy and her friends a couple of nights before her party for a pre-celebration to some restaurant starting with a 'P'. Its not for legal reasons that I didn't write the name, it's just we can't remember it. Anyway, good food and really cool drinks. All the chicks had a 'Strawberry Jam Jar' Which is a jam jar filled wit strawberry juice and loads of alcohol. I was a typical guy and had a Zama Lek (That's a Black Label beer). The pizzas everyone ended up ordering were also really good even though they were very girly (no large chunks of dead animal) Then Tracy got pulled up on the table and everyone in the restaurant sung Happy birthday to her while she tried to crawl into an alternate reality.

Everyone then decided they were going to go to a club nearby with really big bouncers at the entrance, but thy didn't all want to pay the entrance fee. So somehow I ended up copying the stamps on peoples arms with some girls mascara pencil. The crap part came when I tried to get in and they told me to bugger off coz my shoes weren't fancy enough. BASTARDS!

Sarah and Tracy

Sarah and Ceri after they fell down the stairs.

Tracy's boobs. Tracy didn't show them to me unfortunately. Ceri (being the bad drunk she is) grabbed her top and yanked it up shouting 'Take a picture, take a picture!!' He he, cool.

Ceri making faces when she is drunk.

On one of the many trips around Jo 'Burg we stopped off at KFC. The car that we parked next to had one tire that was held on by 3 bolts. The rest of the car looked like it was held together by it's paint work. It's amazing that that only a couple of thousand people die each year in car accidents when the vehicles are so well maintained.

Here we all are at a family gathering. If you can't tell by now, I'm the one in the 'Flash' outfit.

This is me getting my hair done for Garth and Kathy's wedding. I got highlights. Yes I know. Shut up or I'll fucking kill you.

I am Gwar Horney

We threw a bachelors party for the Gwar. It started at 9:00 in the morning by drinking beer and shooting the shit out of each other at the paint ball range then had beer at Pommy's place then watched a really hot stripper with a crap accent then drank more beer then we ate some fucking huge stakes and had some beer then went partying at Cool Running's and drank beer and then danced and made noise and drank beer and then we went back to Pommys and drank beer and ended at about 3:00 or 4:00.

It was cool.

My little brother is in a band called Hydro50. Ceri and I took some pictures for them while they were practicing for their portfolio. I so want to be in a band now. It looks like so much fun, and besides, chicks dig you if you're in a band. Mmmmm, slutty groupies.

This is Ceri going through all our junk. We threw out so much stuff but there were still 4 boxes that we sent over to Australia. One was a 30kg box full of just Ceri's photos.

This was a weird tree in Randburg. It didn't have any leaves on it, just these weird hanging fruity bulby things.

We had another braai (Bar-B-Q) at Garth's place before we left. The meat was massive. But we ate it all and felt happy afterwards.

This is my dog Prince.

We gave him to my aunt to take care of when we left South Africa. He was a total goof ball. He would run around the garden eating rocks and dragging tree stumps around and wants you to throw them for him He was like a smaller version of George of the Jungles peanut loving pooch (the elephant) And he used to love pea nut butter. A couple of years later my aunt inherited another dog called Queanie. They were very cute together and used to sometimes sit with there paws crossed or on each others backs. Prince died a month or two after we came back to Australia.

This was a car we parked next to at the Fourways mall. with www.bonethrower.com advertising on it.

Then came Garth and Kathy's wedding. The day started out all sunny and hot and stayed that way. We drove to Garth's house and found him vaguely panicking but we just pun0ched him in the face and shoved him in the boot of Kevin's car. Then it was a short 2 hour car ride to the wedding venue. It would have bee shorter but we got lost. The actual wedding was really great. They had it in one of the main gardens at the Misty Hills Lodge. Very posh. I thought Garth was going to wear a baby blue tux and insist on pink flowers every ware. But as it turns out his now wife stepped in and said NO. Whilst the main dinner was going on, Kev, Steve, Ceri, and Maddy snuck into their honeymoon suite and planted a gift box for them for their wedding night. It included a tastefully wrapped copy of the Karma Sutra an red chiffon bound by gold chains and a play boy with a studded dildo, cock weights, body paint, 2 sex books some gay porn and a bunch of other stuff. Gotta wonder what happened that night coz the next time we saw Garth he was walking kinda funny.

This is us being driven up to the honeymoon suite.

All thumbs up for the party pack. We also went overboard and spread rose pettles all over the room. Very shick. Even if we do look like a bunch of wankers doing it.

After the wedding if was back into sorting shit out. We had to get my beetle and Ceri's car in good nic so we could sell them. The one place we went to sort out the Air-Con had this sign up. A couple of days later we landed up at a really good panel beater with a huge dog that just sat there and drooled. We wanted him to buff out the run marks on my beetle but there just wasn't enough time. To give you an idea of how much running around and stress we did, we were up at 5:00 every morning for meetings at 6:30 because we needed to squeeze as much in every day to get stuff done. We would miss lunch most days and arrive back at the house at 23:00. And we did that everyday (including weekends) for a month. we were buggered. We were both looking forward to getting back to Australia and starting work because it would feel like a holiday compared to this trip.

We took my beetle to get a service just to make sure it was cool. A few hours after dropping the bloody thing off the mechanic phones me up and sez that the last guy who put in the spark-plugs stripped the one. So they can't get it in and it will cost R800 to get a HeliCoil guy in. Fuck that! So we found another guy that would do it for R300. Sweet. But he can only do it at the end of the week. So we got hold of the apolsterors and arranged for him to redo the seats in the mean time. So we go buy a steel tow cable and Ceri begins to tow me to Sandton. This was the most terrified I have ever been in a car. Even compared to when I lost control of my car and crashed it into a bunch of poles (the wooden ones, not the ones from Poland)Cars were hooting and overtaking on every side of me. On top of that I didn't have any breaks. Then some frikking idiot in a bakkie (ute in Australia or pickup truck elsewhere in the world) pulled in front of us from a onramp and braked and pulled off. So Ceri breaks and accelerates and the steel tow rope breaks! Steel! And it just breaks. Unfuckingbeleivable.

Anyway, we get the beetle to the apolsteror and tell him we will come back in like 3 days and pick it up at 5:00 in the morning so we avoid towing the car in morning traffic. No problem.

No, not really. We get there at 5:00 on the dot and there is no one to let us in. We jump the gate and eventually find some bloke sleeping in a shed and get him to unlock the gate. Then we discover that there are no seats in the beetle. Go find seats and put in beetle. Off we go. Then the battery runs out and I'm being towed without lights. But that's ok coz the area we are in is very well lit. Then I find out that every time Ceri pulls off my detached seat fly's back and suddenly I'm sitting in the back of the car with no one driving. Panic and dive for steering wheel and manage to make it 30 minutes crouching in the front of the car until we get to the HeliCoil guy. Go away and come back 2 days later. HeliCoil guy has fixed sparkplug but fucked up car even more and now it's spewing oil. Scream and rant and rave and almost cry. I wanted to drive the car into Soweto and set it on fire but Ceri talked me out of it. We then found a little German dude that specializes in Beetles and he fixed it up for R300 plus fixed the electrics and a bunch of other stuff that was wrong. If you have a VW ALWAYS go to a old German dude. He even gave us some trimmings for my car to spruce her up and wished us lots of luck wherever we went. Aaaaww, Snif :-) With all the crap that happened, it's always great to meet someone truly nice to restore your faith in humanity. The rest of the fuckers can piss off and die a horrid death.

Me and Joe, the Beetle doctor and all round nice guy.

This is a pic of my brother. One of the reasons we went back to SA was so I could spend some time doing manly bonding with him (in Africa we do that by killing lions with our bare hands and then eating the meat with a cold beer.) but with all that went on we only saw each other like 4 times. The bird behind him now has a rational fear of flying forks and spoons. Every time she starts to screech my brother throws some cutlery at her. But they have started to get along better now.

But like I said, there were fun bits too. No matter how crap the experience is, it's always fun if ya have good friends around.

On the very last day we got to see Ceri's little sister for the first time in 2 years. Ceri was very apprehensive about the whole get together. She was convinced that her sister wouldn't recognize her and be all afraid of a stranger but as soon as she saw her she said 'Ah, that's my sister' Loads of smiles, scrambled eggs and orange juice later there was a quick photo shoot of the sisters and then we were off to pack the rest of our stuff for the airport. But not before there was a crying tantrum and pleading with her mom to get her passport so she could go to Australia with her sister.

A short 13 hour plane trip in cattle class and we arrived in Sydney. Then a short wait in customs and a sneaky sneak past quarantine with 5 liters of alcohol, 4 wood carvings and some drugs and we were home free. Next was to find a home.